I'm Sorry
by the lie written in ink
Summary: Kai reflects on how he got to this point as he's put into the ambulance from a drug overdose. AU; onesided KaiHilary, character death and angst. Slight OOCness.


I don't know when it started. Maybe it was after the stress, the urge to win everything, became overwhelming. Or maybe it was when the girl I loved ran off to the biggest idiot in the world. Maybe it was when the words 'I hate you' actually came from the mouth of said idiot. Maybe it was when I felt like I finally lost everything, to a point I couldn't take it and had to get out.

It didn't matter when I started, what mattered is that it started. Somewhere along the lines of my fucked up life, I started drugs. It wasn't like I looked for it, calling up dealers or anything like that. It just…happened. I was offered some after bitching to a friend about it; he offered, I accepted on a whim, and suddenly I was a pot-headed freak.

Somehow no one knew but me and my friend, but he never said anything since he himself was a dealer. The secret life of drugs and sex opened up before me, and I was sucked under.

So, as I was lying there on the verge of death, unfamiliar hands grasping at me and muffled voices speaking, I couldn't help but feel a bit happy. I wanted an escape, I got it. Usually it wasn't this bad; the high wasn't so…high. I felt like I was actually dying, my soul lifting slowly from my body and fading away.

"…..stretcher….hospital….hurry….over…."

I almost laughed; what were the voices saying? Hospital? Over? Over what? Over the bridge to grandmas house? Somehow, my thoughts were jumbled and ridiculous. Somehow, they stopped and turned to my memories, because I suddenly wanted to look over my life.

I guess I took everything I had for granted. Friends, a home, a steady life…I fucked it up because I was a coward. I wanted to run away, and look where I ran to. Drugs and prostitutes, stealing and lying.

I guess it was my fault though, for what was happening right now. I took too much at once. I was so upset, I wasn't thinking. When Hilary actually looked me in the eyes and said she loved Tyson, I felt like something inside me just….broke. As if it had been all along, but she made me see it, and it terrified me.

And then when I kissed her, and when Tyson saw and hit me, I guess it just ripped. Everything inside me…caved in, and I lost myself. When he said he hated me, for the first time in the ten years I knew him, I felt lost. Like I threw away everything I had in the span of ten fucking minutes.

I was like a child. I was scared, but I wouldn't admit it, so I just ran and did shit behind the backs of the people who cared about me. I don't know why it took all this to make me see it. It was like when you had a near-death experience and has some epiphany about your life, and then they fix it and live happily. Of course, I probably wouldn't live to do this, and even if I did I probably wouldn't do it. I was too much of an idiot.

I felt myself move, like floating, and I somehow knew it was over. I wasted my life away, when I really should've been actually trying to fix it before I got this far. I pushed my friends away, and for that I paid. It sucked, really. It really did.

I was dying…and now I was regretting what I had done to my life.

Somehow, it was ironic.

What? I swear I heard Hilary sobbing my name. Maybe I was hearing things too…drugs did that to you. I don't remember her being here. No one ever came to the old shed; we used to hang out here all the time when high school began. We'd sit and talk, play video games and just live like friends should. We stopped when we hit sophomore year, and the shed was forgotten, so that was where I went.

So how did they find me?

Why was I still moving? It felt like I was rocking, slow movements, like…like a car. I tried to open my eyes but they refused to open, and my lips wouldn't move. I wanted to ask if she really there, if she cared I was dying, and what was going on. Maybe it was the drugs. That was why I was like this.

I wanted to laugh, but my body wouldn't let me. So it ended like this. I can imagine the headlines; "Kai Hiwatari dies of Drug Overdose." How shameful would that be? My friends would stop going to school, too ashamed to show their faces. Hilary would pretend she never knew me, Tyson would comfort her…and I'd be forgotten. A small memory buried in the back of everyone's heads.

And then I felt it; a familiar, gentle hand that touched my cheek so lightly it felt like a ghost touched me. I still couldn't open my eyes, but I didn't have to. I knew who it was. I wanted to live, for her, but my body didn't let me. With her gentle hand on my cold cheek, I let myself finally drift away, and the world faded around me as I desperately tried to say one thing. I only wanted to say one thing…one thing before I died. Please, God, let me do this.

But it was too late. My lips wouldn't move, so I repeated it in my head until my heart stopped beating.

_I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry….I'm sorry….I'm…_


End file.
